


Remember

by Looming



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Season 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 16:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18210914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Looming/pseuds/Looming
Summary: So, they practice. For hours.And Karolina pushes, time and time again,just a little bit morein that bubbly, cheery way of hers. Awestruck like she believes Nico really is the darkness that fills every space untouched by the light. Like it could never have been anyone else. Like she really believes Nico hung the moon and the stars in the sky, just for her, and oh, if only Nico could make her understand how untrue that really is.





	Remember

If Nico pauses to think about it – to _really_ think about it – she hasn’t felt quite so inadequate since Amy died.

Not this weak. Not this lacking or vulnerable.

No, she hasn’t had to deal with this particular feeling ever since she forced herself to grow up in a night and move on the next day. To put on her new makeup, and her new outfits, and her new attitude; to wear each of them like carefully polished and securely fastened pieces of armor forged specifically to protect her from ever again feeling anything but powerful. Anything but in control.

But then, that _is_ the effect that Karolina has on her these days.

Without even trying, without even _realizing,_ she tears through Nico’s well-worn protections like they’re barely paper thin beneath the force of her love. She climbs her way through the rubble day in and day out, offering to show Nico a completely new way of living. Promising to help build that armor back up stronger and sturdier than ever before if only she would join her and step into the light.

She even promises to stay, if Nico can’t yet muster the strength to follow.

And _god_ , does Nico wish she was strong enough to follow.

But Karolina, angel that she is, doesn’t stop there. She promises to always be with her. No matter what Nico chooses. She makes promise after promise after promise, and Nico knows without so much as a second glance that Karolina is prepared to keep every last one. She makes those promises over and over, every single day, smiling like the sun all the while. Beaming like there’s nothing else in the world she would rather be doing than continuing in her attempts to _know_ Nico. To shine a light on every single shadow Nico casts until she has every single detail etched into her to memory.

~*~

That love is more than Nico ever dared to hope for.

 _Karolina_ is more than Nico ever dared to hope for.

And maybe that’s why, sometimes, Nico feels that even despite the love and the care that Karolina shows, she never _truly_ manages to reach her.

That, no matter how bright Karolina shines; no matter how close she _thinks_ they are, she always manages to stay just out of reach.

That, no matter how hard Nico tries, or how hard she trains, or how hard she fights, and fights, and _fights_ to grow stronger, Karolina is always just out of reach. Barely inches away – so close that Nico can feel the heat of her breath and the light radiating from her fingers and her smile and her _eyes_ and…

And yet, Karolina is somehow still too far to hear her cries of _please, take me with you, I can’t leave on my own_.

Always pulling further, further, further into the distance.

And she does it with the sort of smile that seems tailor made for crushing every last drop of air out of Nico’s lungs. That sort of perfectly lopsided smile that lights up her eyes so bright, and so blue, and so brilliant that they nearly rival her other lights in their intensity and their beauty. The sort of smile that almost convinces Nico she has the strength to bridge that gap on her own. To reach out and touch her. To plead with Karolina for help and know that finally, _finally_ , she’ll be heard.

That sort of easy, effortless smile that you only ever see in one of those awful, overacted rom-coms, because _who in their right mind is charming enough to try that in real life?_

Karolina is. It turns out.

And oh, she is _good_ at it.

~*~

Things are hard.

Things are always hard and they always have been and they always will be.

But still. Nico has grown, despite that. She’s gotten better.

At running. At staying. At _living_. So, things are easier.

Even if they’re still…

~*~

It isn’t Karolina’s fault.

Nothing could ever be her fault.

Nico will climb her way out of the broken remains of her old life and her old self, and she will find some way to measure up. She _will_ make it to Karolina’s side. No matter what it takes. No matter how long she has to live with that feeling of inadequacy coursing through her veins and coating the inside of her lungs, she _will_ get there.

Because that feeling? That uncontrollable gut reaction that threatens to dig its way free whenever she so much as _thinks_ about stepping into the light? That feeling only makes her want to be better.

Every single day, it makes her want to be better.

To be worthy of following Karolina out of the rubble and into the future.

~*~

So, she tries. Every day. Every night.

It almost works.

But every time she uses her powers; every time Nico gets a firsthand glimpse into just how _good_ Karolina is, it feels like she might never catch up. Might never match up. It feels like she’ll always be chasing after; helplessly trailing behind Karolina’s light as it fades out of reach and out of sight with every new step that Nico thrashes and claws and struggles to take.

Hoping that one day _maybe_ she’ll earn the right. That _maybe_ one day she’ll find a way to traverse the path that Karolina has illuminated and left behind for Nico’s sake. The path that she leaves because she trusts Nico to find her again. The path that she leaves as a promise that she’ll be waiting at the end.

That she’s always been there with her.

But all Nico has is a staff that isn’t hers. A power that terrifies her. A power that Nico is scared to use every time she has to use it, because what if _this_ is the time she gives in and lets it take her over completely?

What if _this_ is the time it manages to steal away that promise of light?

~*~

Only after Karolina takes her aside one day to confide that _she_ used to be scared of her power in the exact same ways as Nico, does her way of thinking start to change.

Only after Karolina kisses her in a wordless promise to take all of her fears and all of her worries and to help shoulder the burden herself, does Nico start to believe.

Because it feels, in that one fleeting moment, like everything is okay.

Like maybe she isn’t so inadequate after all.

~*~

Nico learns, that night, _exactly_ how Karolina feels about that particular worry of hers.

And she makes sure to remember every last detail.

~*~

She takes those feelings, and she takes the confidence that Karolina has gifted her, and she funnels them into something useful. Something productive.

She tries to sneak out, later that night.

She _tries._

But Karolina notices. And, of course she follows. Of _course_ she wants to join in.

“ _Tonight, and every night after,_ ” Karolina whispers against Nico’s lips, smiling that smile and refusing to pull apart even long enough to let Nico breathe, “ _You didn’t think I would let you go that easily, did you?_ ”

It feels a little bit like Karolina reaching out to touch Nico’s heart, and just _knowing_ , as easy as that, how badly she wants to be better for her.

~*~

So, they practice. For hours.

And Karolina pushes, time and time again, _just a little bit more_ in that bubbly, cheery way of hers. Awestruck like she believes Nico really is the darkness that fills every space untouched by the light. Like it could never have been anyone else. Like she really believes Nico hung the moon and the stars in the sky, just for her, and oh, if only Nico could make her understand how untrue that really is.

If only Nico could make her understand just how intensely she struggles in fear, every single day, against her power.

But she doesn’t get the chance, because Karolina is sliding up behind her. Not touching. Not yet. But so, _so_ close. Close enough that Nico thinks she might be able to feel Karolina’s light as clearly as if she was.

Because warmth spills from Karolina in ways no one else is capable of; in ways that make Nico think she could just end this training session right here and now. Could just let herself fall back into Karolina’s embrace, let that warmth claim her for itself, let it swallow her whole, and…

Nico means to turn completely around, then. To suggest they head back, or to kiss Karolina, or tackle her to the ground, or maybe all three. But before she gets the chance, she feels the way that Karolina’s breath has slowed to match her own.

She notices the faint beginnings of a sunrise in the distance, and the way Karolina’s eyes are sparkling blue and bright in her happiness, and…

And Nico thinks, maybe, that she’s almost memorized their color by now. That maybe she’ll be able to carry the memory of them with her in the same way she does Karolina’s smile, and her voice, and her unwavering calm. The way Karolina touches her differently depending on her mood. Even the way she’ll bat her eyes at Nico some mornings until she agrees to share her breakfast.

The way hours feel like minutes in her presence.

Nico loses herself in Karolina’s eyes, and it takes every shred of her focus not to give up right then and there.

Not to close her eyes with a sigh, to lean her head back into the crook of Karolina’s neck until someone’s teeth are digging into someone’s skin and they’re stumbling their way back into their home, and into their room, and into their bed.

~*~

Nico spends more time than she would ever admit out loud thinking about that night.

That night has become so many different things.

The beginning of her control over her power. The loss of everything else. Of Karolina.

Nico spends more time than she would ever admit wondering after every little detail that she might have been able to change. Things she could have done differently, could have skipped altogether if it meant avoiding everything that happened in the following days.

But, no.

The world just _had_ to give her that night, it just _had_ to let her take her first glimpse into the future that Karolina promised, only to rip it away like the cruelest of jokes.

Nico spends more time than she would ever admit out loud crying herself to sleep over that night.

~*~

Karolina is gone.

And, the heat of Nico’s darkness: that constant, unsettling flame that lives just below the surface, waiting for her to lose control so that it can finally pour itself out through the cracks in what little armor remains and take her freedom away, has become its own unique sort of comfort these days.

Karolina is gone, and her light and her warmth along with her.

So, Nico has grown to rely on her darkness like she used to rely on Karolina. She’s learned to bury herself deeper and deeper in its depths, using it to chase after some vaguely defined goal of _improvement_. Of _growth_. But it isn’t the same. No matter how fiercely she wishes it was. Allowing herself to fall further and further into that feeling of constant dread and fear and _empty_ , just because it reminds her of something better is the last thing she wants after spending so much time in the presence of the stars. But it’s all she has.

Because Karolina is gone.

She isn’t the only one they lost, but Karolina is _gone_ , and Nico hasn’t known how to react other than to grow slowly colder in her absence. To bottle up every bit of her love and her compassion and the bits of affection that she used to spare for their little family of runaways, and to keep them for herself. Like they’re simply expendable resources that might carry precious memories of Karolina hidden inside.

And she won’t share what little she has left.

Especially when the only things they gained for Karolina’s loss are her serial killer of a mother and an alien who thinks she’s _owed_ Karolina’s life and Karolina’s love.

Fuck them both.

She’s bringing Karolina back. She will find her and bring her home if it’s the last thing she does. If there’s nothing left but blood and bone and the long-faded evidence of something that used to shine brighter than the sun, she will _still_ find it and collect it and carry back every last piece. Nico loved every part of her. She’s not leaving anything behind.

Not one scrap deserves to spend eternity alone.

~*~

Nico recognizes, vaguely, that she should be embarrassed for those feelings.

She isn’t.

If Karolina turned her into a sap, then she’ll cling to that new part of herself with as much unyielding desperation as she does to the rest.

~*~

 _“Because, Nico, I_ like _remembering.”_

_Nico still remembers the kiss she pressed to the very tip of her nose._

_Still remembers the taste of her, and the smell of her, and the warmth, and –_

_“Remembering what we left behind makes_ this _so much more satisfying.”_

~*~

Alex tries to help her, once, until Nico nearly blows him straight through a wall for trying to act like he has _anything_ to offer.

It’s not that she blames him for the rare show of empathy, or for missing the others, or for hurting and seeking out even the vaguest, flimsiest chance at comfort that he can. Because even half of what they’ve been through would reduce anyone else to shattered pieces of what they used to be. To dust and to ash. And if _anyone_ deserves a little comfort, it’s them.

But comfort isn’t something Nico wants. She doesn’t need to relive the past in the name of _bonding_. She’s living in the present with nothing but a handful of happy thoughts and memories to keep her blood running hot and her motivation fueled. Just enough to get by. Just enough to help her fix everything that went wrong.

She’ll worry about the past when she has Karolina again.

~*~

No one else tries to help after that.

So, she stops caring after that.

Stops carrying her emotions out in the open for anyone with two functioning eyes to glean like she’s holding up picket signs that read _I lost the only person I ever loved before I could learn to be good enough for them_. It almost works. She thinks a few might be slipping through, regardless. The few stray thoughts that she hasn’t managed to bury behind mental walls of magic and shadow.

But they don’t help. The others don’t help.

And that’s when it happens.

If she was asked to pinpoint the exact moment when things fell apart, that moment is it.

~*~

_She still remembers the hushed, breathy way Karolina released her name into the dark. The way she dimmed her lights and handed over every last bit of her trust._

_“Nico,”_

_“Nico,”_

_“Nico,”_

~*~

As far as Nico can tell, no one is willing to see her as family after the Alex incident.

Not even Molly.

Nico becomes their leader through necessity, rather than through choice. So, she takes to avoiding them all unless interaction is absolutely necessary; to holing herself up in the room that she used to share with Karolina and planning during the day; to continuing their private training sessions every night. Even if they only ever had time for the one. Even if Nico has to go it alone, now. She’s even started carrying around a thesaurus as an extra layer of mental security; an extra guarantee that she’ll never be weak again, that she’ll always have a word for her feelings and always be the one in control of her power.

It’s childish, sure, but she misses Karolina. She _needs_ Karolina. And with her absence, she needs to find some way to get better. To stop being inadequate. To become strong enough that she can rescue her and strong enough to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again.

Karolina is _hers_ and she’s fighting not to fall to pieces without her.

So, when Xavin confronts her in the doorway of her room one night; when Nico is halfway into bed, drained and exhausted and wanting nothing more than to curl up wearing that ridiculous flowery yellow robe of Karolina’s because it’s the only thing she has that still smells like her – the only thing that still feels warm like her – Nico snaps.

Xavin is going on and on about what all this brooding is doing to her, and how _bad_ it is, because they _need_ her to lead, and how this is no way to act just because things are taking so long – she means it as an apology, Nico knows she does, but Xavin struggling with the particular intricacies of human language doesn’t make it sting any less – and then she says that fucking phrase.

_My betrothed._

That name Karolina _told her_ to stop using.

Nico loses it. She gives herself completely and fully to her power, relinquishes ever last piece of her control.

Because now? Right now? Giving up in exchange for one last _fuck all of you_ on her fall into depths that she won’t ever escape sounds about as appealing as it gets.

So, she throws herself in headfirst.

Throws every day of her training and her preparations out the window because _this bullshit_? She’s not putting up with this. Because Alex – technically – being family might have rescued him. But not her. Not Xavin. Not ever.

Nico clicks her staff to the floor, casts a spell that sends them both straight through the railing on the balcony, and pins Xavin at the bottom of the foyer. One knee at her throat as dust, and mold, and the splinters of old worn-down wood rain down and around them, glowing in the light of the moon. And Xavin – _fucking_ Xavin – has no reaction other than confusion. She isn’t hurt, or betrayed, or angry, or any emotion Nico might enjoy wiping off her face.

Even pity would be better than this.

~*~

_She still remembers the way Karolina smiled into every single kiss like she couldn’t believe it was happening._

_“I love you, Nico,”_

_Like she truly believed there would never be another. Another kiss. Another touch. Another look or word or moment together, or…_

_Like she worried almost as much as Nico._

~*~

The noise wakes up the others, and there’s a crowd at the bottom of the steps so quickly that Nico wonders briefly whether her perception of time might be starting to go in her grief. Maybe she’s losing it. Maybe this is what it’s like to let her power take the reins.

Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter.

Because Xavin is _confused_.

And that confusion leads her to ask, again, why Nico is acting like this. “I failed to protect my betrothed,” she says, simply, and Nico wants to scream in her face. “I was merely trying to offer support – ”

She wants to fucking scream.

And the darkness gives its support. So, she does.

She screams.

“No! Okay! She is _not_ your god damn betrothed!”

Molly is at her side in the very same instant. No doubt scared out of her mind and scared for her life, because nothing good has _ever_ come out of Nico giving this much of herself over to her power. Nothing good has _ever_ come from giving away more than she could handle.

But she still, Molly _still,_ gathers the strength to pull Nico off and to drag her away.

And even then; even with both of Nico arms locked up by a superpowered fifteen-year-old until her grip starts to go and the staff clatters to the floor; even feeling her power flow out of her as cleanly as if it was nothing more than air from her lungs, it still isn’t enough to stop her.

Xavin is still laying on the ground, and god, she’s so genuine in her confusion that Nico can’t help but get angrier.

That anger might not be the light, and it might not be the dark, but right now? It’s something. So, Nico lets herself thrive in quiet satisfaction over the fact that Xavin is still frozen in place. Even without her there to add some pain to the equation.

“Who the hell _are_ you?” Nico howls, her voice shaking and scratching her throat raw with fury. She wants this. To scream. To make Xavin _hurt_. But she won’t fight with Molly to get it. She won’t ruin whatever connection they still have. It’s strained to its limit, and Nico just doesn’t have the heart to pull and let it shred itself in two. She can take this another way. “Betrothed? I’m the one who loves her! I’m the one who needs her! I’m not, I’m… I fucking – I – I _can’t_ …”

And maybe, Nico thinks, as her breath starts to stutter and stop and her shoulders start to tremble, that the shake in her voice isn’t anger after all.

This _is_ what she wanted. To get loud. To break something. To make a show of her feelings.

But maybe it wasn’t what she needed.

Because Nico tries to take a breath. She tries to reset back to default and pretend like she’s not in the middle of an emotional breakdown while everyone else plays the role of audience to her one woman show. But she can’t stop it anymore. She falls apart completely in Molly’s grip. She feels her arms go slack. Feels Molly pull her closer.

Into a hug.

A _hug._

Like she still sees Nico as a sister in spite of everything she’s done. Like her first instinct in this situation is still to fight anything that dares to break their family apart.

“I can’t _do this_ without her,” Nico sobs, shuddering as her body finally gives up the fight. And she buries her face in Molly’s neck with as much unsteady force as she’s still able to muster.

She wants Xavin to be angry at her. For spitting in the face of her prophecy, for keeping her from Karolina, for tackling her off a second-floor balcony. Anything. She wants Molly to be angry at her for trying to hurt someone, or Alex to be angry at her for what happened the other day. She even wants fucking _Leslie_ to be angry at her for daring to feel this way about Karolina. She wants someone, _anyone_ , to give her a reason.

But all she finds in the stares boring into her from every last corner of the room, is understanding.

Which leaves her with anger that has no possible outlet. That has nowhere to direct itself other than _at_ herself.

For still being so pathetic.

For still being so weak.

~*~

 _“Sure, but how does remembering_ that _help with anything?”_

_She remembers Karolina’s laughter bubbling up through the dark. She remembers it ringing through her whole body, leaving only trembles and smiles in its wake._

_“It’s just, all I had to give up to have you was a life I never wanted in the first place. You know?”_

~*~

Eventually, they do find Karolina. And the others.

But Nico can worry about them another time.

Karolina is back.

Whatever sort of experiments they put her through, whatever sort of time loop, simulation, bullshit she was trapped in – Karolina tried to explain the details, but Nico wasn’t able or willing to listen at the time – are still bothering her. Still affecting her.

So, Nico waits, and watches, and helps Karolina remember how to live in any way she can. Anything to help Karolina get better. Anything to make this feel like she was _really_ rescued, and not like she’ll be broken beyond repair for the rest of her life.

Because this doesn’t feel like a rescue.

It feels like Karolina is scared, and alone, and that _can’t_ be the end of this, because that would mean Nico still isn’t enough.

It doesn’t feel like a rescue, seeing her like this. Caught in her third nightmare since they went to bed.

Nico has already lost count of how many Karolina has been through this week.

Too many.

But she helps. Because it’s all she _can_ do. Nico waits at her side every single night, knees tucked up to her chest while Karolina hogs the covers. She brushes the pads of her fingers through Karolina’s hair, and over her cheek, and she coos sweet little nothings into the dark emptiness of the night whenever she stirs.

Because the night is her realm.

Her time.

The least she can do is make it as comfortable as possible while Karolina heals. The least she can do is treat Karolina’s time in the dark with as much love and as much care as Karolina gave to Nico’s glimpses into the light.

~*~

_She remembers the feeling of Karolina’s skin pressed against hers._

_“Nico,”_

~*~

Sometimes, Karolina wakes up flailing, breathless, and reaching blindly for Nico because she wants nothing more than to pour out all of her worries and anxieties into something intense, and fierce, and nothing but her glowing as bright as she can and drenching every single detail of their bodies in every single color imaginable until they’re both breathless and drained and Karolina is _finally_ convinced that this is real. That she’s safe.

There are no grand declarations of love when it happens. No romantic touches or caring embraces. There isn’t anything but Karolina claiming every last inch of Nico’s body for herself. Nothing but Nico giving herself over, and Karolina doing the same. Letting Nico mark as much of her skin as she possibly can, so that when Karolina sees herself in the mirror, she has undeniable proof that her body belongs to no one but her. Proof that no one is allowed to walk their way past that rule unless she allows it to happen.

Proof of their hard-fought victory written in every last scratch, and cut, and bite, and bruise.

Sometimes, Karolina wakes up, and they talk. For hours. They talk until the sun comes up about anything and everything, because Karolina just wants to hear Nico’s voice. To feel her presence. To know that she still cares. They talk about what Nico was up to during Karolina’s absence – they’ve taken to calling it that, an _absence_ , because it means she was always coming back and that there was never any risk that she wouldn’t – and they talk about how happy they are to be together again.

They talk about how, when Karolina was trapped in that simulation, Nico remained her safe place through every new twist and turn. They talk about how, no matter how uncomfortable, how painful, how _horrible_ things became and no matter how many times the simulation changed, Nico was always where her mind returned.

~*~

_The feeling of Karolina peppering a hundred tiny little kisses over every inch of Nico’s face she could reach._

_Just because she could._

_“Nico, you’re not ever allowed to forget tonight.”_

~*~

They talk about how much Molly has grown.

“She’s like a whole adult now,” Karolina laughs quietly into Nico’s collarbones. “It’s crazy.”

~*~

_She remembers it all._

~*~

_“Promise me, Nico.”_

~*~

Still other times, Karolina makes it back to sleep on her own. She gathers the strength to fight her demons down with no help from Nico other than a reminder that she’s there and not going anywhere, and that’s the end of it.

Until the next time.

The one constant is that Nico watches. Every night and every morning. She holds vigil over Karolina’s restless sleep, ready to protect her from whatever new demons might threaten this fragile peace that they have fought _so_ hard to steal.

The one constant is that, these days, Nico doesn’t feel quite so inadequate.

In fact, for the first time, she feels like she _deserves_ to be at Karolina’s side. Being able to comfort Karolina like this; being able to see more and more evidence of her recovery cropping up with every new smile and every new touch, she thinks that she’s exactly where she needs to be.

That, maybe she’s been there all along.

**Author's Note:**

> I had way more post-season-2 feelings to work through than I thought, it turns out. 
> 
> So uh, this thing exists now.


End file.
